Seems like I’m drowning in depression, I cannot stay afloat because the waves of stress is too high to see reality…the pressure from the current of everyday life is too strong, pulling at my emotions like a puppet on a string
I have no lifeboat my only hope is the life raft of my words that holds me afloat for the moment as the thoughts rushes out like air…..seems like I’m drowning, yes I’m drowning.
I remember being in the basement listening to music when my mom walked down the stairs telling me to play a particular song once my dad pulled into the driveway….our house was built to their liking over 2 decades ago where one can enter the basement by way of the hidden door connected to the 4 car garage. Shrugging my shoulders I simply said “ok” as I got up to find the selected song she wanted.
After finding the song, I heard my pops rolled into the driveway blasting his favorite Oldies music…so being the obedient teen I was, I grabbed the remote and began blasting the song my mom wanted me to play…only one verse stuck out up to this day, it was “how could you play me like this? my heart is torn to pieces”…at that time my pops entered the side door into the basement, I can tell that he was flustered, I don’t even think he noticed me sitting in the game room around the corner from the side door because he didn’t give me my usual line “how was my princess today?” No, he didn’t even spare me a glance, instead he walked to the hidden drawer at the bottom of the staircase and pulled out his pistol…
Like clockwork the door on the first floor opened, my dad reacted by rounding the bottom of the stairs, aimed his pistol and fired one shot towards the top of the stairs …..I heard a gasp as our housekeepers body roll down the flight of stairs, I was so occupied by watching her body that I didn’t even see when my mom made her way halfway down the stairs I looked up and she was there with her gun in hand aimed at pops forehead *POP!* then my dad was laying on the floor next to the housekeepers body.
Tears were streaming down my face I felt like I was in a bad dream…mom looked at me with a sad smile then said “call 911” as she calmly walked back upstairs with the gun in her hand and a smile on her face.
I will be your Queen and you my King… I will be in your arms again.. until then I will live my peasants life, visiting you only in my dreams….reliving every moment of your smile, your kiss, your touch… Until then I will cling to the notion of a next lifetime….
I will wait for you in my dreams because my heart will forever be open to you my King, now and always.
I have no tears left the fuel is gone, I’ve broken into the reserve but the tank is empty…. don’t think that the pain is not there it still hurts like hell ….but the heart is now on autopilot trying to protect the pieces that was destroyed in the crash…. Savaging for anything that will get the heart running again.
Waiting for death, the death of my heart…
The pain will be unbearable, the pain will be inevitable, the pain will be deep but would I survive or would I sleep?
Fool! fool to think that I could survive this war…. A war of loss, love, hurt and pain, a war of raging emotions that remains the same.
Waiting for death, for the welcome relief from sleepless nights, the constant reminder of my tainted life… Waiting for death.
Why must we keep rehashing the issue? The physical pain I feel is remembrance enough to last a lifetime. I dream the pain I wake up in pain I move in pain I breath pain…. it could of been worse they say, but does that make the pain go away?
Mentally my walls are cracked my back is broken and I’m not sure how to get my sanity back…. I know the physical will eventually leave but who will fix the mental piece….
Dreams of rage of fire of shame, dreams of dying as the shots runs though my brain…. So why must we keep rehashing?….
Forget, I want to forget but how do I achieve that when the chants becomes louder “You deserve it” they say, you know it will never go away it was part of their plan so will you let it stand or will you open your hand and give your dart a chance to calm your heart and dance?
Pop a pill to ease the pain pop a pill so your dark remains sane ….Now I see that this is why they take their lives and the others too ….the dark is strong and it’s getting stronger… Pop a pill to make it weak will they know that the struggle is real?… No, no because If we continue to tell ourselves that it was us that caused the pain, then we can keep the dark at bay…. “Move slow” don’t listen…”breath calm” don’t listen… “break the restraint” don’t listen….When will it stop?!
You asked me to change
You’re holding us back you said…
You asked me to change for the better so I did…
You said be more compassionate, so I became a humanitarian,
…be more domestically inclined, so I became a maid,
…open up to your inner sexual beast, so I became a pornstar,
…be spontaneous, so I asked you to be my wife.
Yet with all these changes the list keeps growing, your wants are never ending, do you even know who I am? You asked me to change but I will do so no more…I’ll kindly let go of your hand and I’ll remain the same, while You Change.