I am many…yet I am few, the shell of one, the body of them.
My interests varies from A to Z, my style is multicolor with a black base… So who am I?
I am me.
I am not defined by your standards, my complex ways may appear indecisive but keep in mind that this body is just a shell…if broken, I will not be able to contain the many that dwells within…they will all become their own person which will bring about chaos…so this shell will remain intact as I continue to skip and dance in new adventures determine to occupy the many sides of me… because my days and nights never ends.
My hell is personally charged of my sins, mistakes and pain…
Sins of the heart and flesh, mistakes made that has inflicted pain on those I love or have once loved… Causing confusion and doubts in the hearts of those I hold dear…
My hell is the constant uncertainty of my actions, the heart wrenching ache of hopelessness… My hell is the loop of reality in reliving that hell everyday.
Like clockwork the routine never changes…
Tic you wake,
You smile but feel no joy, then awake but feel no peace…
With your heart in turmoil and mind at war, your body is tired and ready to fall…
You are STRONG! they chant…. but what is strength? A way to move on to the next day without giving in?
To feel peace again is all you ask, joy will come once your heart is masked….
so you wait…tic tic tic…
I will be your Queen and you my King… I will be in your arms again.. until then I will live my peasants life, visiting you only in my dreams….reliving every moment of your smile, your kiss, your touch… Until then I will cling to the notion of a next lifetime….
I will wait for you in my dreams because my heart will forever be open to you my King, now and always.
I have no tears left the fuel is gone, I’ve broken into the reserve but the tank is empty…. don’t think that the pain is not there it still hurts like hell ….but the heart is now on autopilot trying to protect the pieces that was destroyed in the crash…. Savaging for anything that will get the heart running again.
Waiting for death, the death of my heart…
The pain will be unbearable, the pain will be inevitable, the pain will be deep but would I survive or would I sleep?
Fool! fool to think that I could survive this war…. A war of loss, love, hurt and pain, a war of raging emotions that remains the same.
Waiting for death, for the welcome relief from sleepless nights, the constant reminder of my tainted life… Waiting for death.
Why must we keep rehashing the issue? The physical pain I feel is remembrance enough to last a lifetime. I dream the pain I wake up in pain I move in pain I breath pain…. it could of been worse they say, but does that make the pain go away?
Mentally my walls are cracked my back is broken and I’m not sure how to get my sanity back…. I know the physical will eventually leave but who will fix the mental piece….
Dreams of rage of fire of shame, dreams of dying as the shots runs though my brain…. So why must we keep rehashing?….
Forget, I want to forget but how do I achieve that when the chants becomes louder “You deserve it” they say, you know it will never go away it was part of their plan so will you let it stand or will you open your hand and give your dart a chance to calm your heart and dance?
Pop a pill to ease the pain pop a pill so your dark remains sane ….Now I see that this is why they take their lives and the others too ….the dark is strong and it’s getting stronger… Pop a pill to make it weak will they know that the struggle is real?… No, no because If we continue to tell ourselves that it was us that caused the pain, then we can keep the dark at bay…. “Move slow” don’t listen…”breath calm” don’t listen… “break the restraint” don’t listen….When will it stop?!